Xtreme Mancation

Beach Reads Are Back!

Welcome to Season Three of Beach Reads for Goth Kids, the original Substack summer horror extravaganza. All season long, I’m delivering salty stories with summery themes. So turn down your a/c and join me for heatwave madness, monsters that stalk from the shore, and things that go bump in the backyard. Oh, and they aren’t really for kids, just the misunderstood goth teen who lives inside us all.

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This week, we meet Marc, a sort of hardworking husband and father, who finally gets the long vacation he deserves.

stay spooky,

ej

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Braden was home one sunny day, shielded from the summer glare by dark blinds and blissfully engrossed in a game, when a waterfall of postcards slid through his mail slot. The creak of the slot was no longer enough to get his attention, especially not with the boys in his headphones planning their attack, but the thick, slippery sound of a dozen postcards landing on his floor was novel.

“What the —” he mumbled into the mic.

“Over here bro! Pay attention!” Jeff’s onscreen avatar waved a gun around desperately, while Braden’s stood still, looking confused.

“Bro, something weird just happened,” Braden said into the mic. “I gotta go, I’ll catch up with you later.”

He pulled off the headset and went to the door, just as his avatar was shredded with digital bullets and splashes of pixelated red. He picked up the postcards and shuffled through them. Each one bore a bright color picture of a beach resort, white sand and turquoise water. And each was printed with heavy letters across the photo:

XTREME MANCATION!

15% OFF BEST BRO DISCOUNT

Turning them over, Braden felt a chill. Each postcard was filled with tiny neat handwriting, edge to edge, and each was signed from his friend Marc.

“What the Hell, Marc?” He said to himself. “You stalking me or what bro?”

But as he thought about it he realized he hadn’t seen Marc in a while, hadn’t heard his voice in the headphones, or received any texts from him, even though the Knicks were in the finals.

He shuffled through the postcards, trying to tell if they were in order, but he couldn’t find any dates. So he picked one at random and read:

Maybe this is all my fault dude. Maybe I should not have fucked that chick, but I swear she said it was ok! She literally said Maddie was ok with it. It sounds crazy, I know. But bro, these robot chicks, their skin is so smooth and dry, it’s better than the real thing I swear to fucking God bro, they smell like motor oil and pumpkin pie, I’ve never experienced anything like it. But now idk I’m like stuck here! They will not let me out. Please, call the police or something. Call my wife. Don’t tell her — whatever tell her anything you want just get me out of here. Your brother from another mother, Marc.

Braden stared at the postcard text for a while, then looked around the room. Was this some kind of prank? Was Marc trying to make him look like a pussy or something? He texted Marc wtf, then picked another card at random.

Bray, Maddie dropped me off at Xtreme Mancation seven days ago for a “long weekend.” When I tried to check out Monday they wouldn’t let me. Everyone who works here is a hot robot, like so hot you would not believe. Anyway, when I tried to walk out the door they like rushed me man, all these super hot perfect women, they smell so good man, they were all up in my ears like this is an all-inclusive package Marc. It’s all-inclusive. You’re on Mancation now, Marc. It’s all inclusive. Bro, they just kept saying it like they were hypnotizing me or something. Does all inclusive mean I’m here forever? I have the fucking creeps bro. I think their system got hacked. Call my wife if you get this.

Braden started laughing. He couldn’t help it, this was the funniest thing he had ever read. What the Hell was going on with Marc? He had no idea, but he flopped down on the couch with the stack of postcards and couldn’t wait to read every single one.

Yo Bray! It’s so gay to send a postcard, right? But listen, one of the things at Xtreme Mancation is they want us to like connect with all our bros. It’s bro-to-bro philosophy and honestly it’s healing AF. We aren’t allowed to contact our wives lol stress free bro. They don’t have internet here but they give us stacks of these postcards to send. Usually I do it after I work out— I get a protein shake and lay by the pool and write postcards bro. It’s gay as hell. But its pretty cool here. They have a killer gym, huge pool, the food is amazing, I’m pounding steaks like every night bro! And these robot chicks that work here they give the best massages. Like they’re way stronger than real chicks and they have better tits too. Next year you gotta come with me.

Braden shuffled the stack. He wanted to see a picture of those robot chicks, but every card was the same. Beach, palm trees, logo. Boring.

Braden, IDK man, I might have fucked up. Last night after dinner one of these chicks, she was like all over me. She walked me back to my room and she was laughing and looking at me like, bro she wanted me so bad. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings you know? Well she pushed me down on the bed— they are hella strong— and she straddled me and I was like I’m married— but she was purring man, right in my fucking ear, sending shivers across my scalp and she goes “no Marc, Maddie’s ok with this, she wants this for you.” And her skin, I don’t know how they make that skin but it is so smooth and soft. They are perfect women, bro. I fucked this robot chick. IDK if I’m proud of that or not. I’m sure she was lying about Maddie. Don’t say a fucking word.

Braden wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked around the room again, just to be sure he wasn’t being recorded or something.

That was kinda hot, he thought to himself, but was that gay? He shifted on the couch. No, he decided, that wasn’t gay. That was more like sci fi.

Yo! Bray! Sending you this postcard with a 15% coupon for Xtreme Mancation. I thought it was gay asf when I first got here but this place is so chill. Maddie is GOATed for sending me on this vacation. I’ve been looking for a job so hard and babysitting the kids when she’s at work. I’m dad of the year, dude, and she gave me a long weekend at this men’s retreat because she knows it. When you get here they give you all your clothes— workout, bathing suit, everything. Like being in the army or something. Their gym is sweet, and the SURF AND TURF bro, you have no idea. The only thing is they take your phone away but actually I’m cool with that. It’s super 90s to be out here rawdogging vacation. Anyway, bro here’s your sweet discount code. We gotta get the boys together and come out here next year.

Braden smiled. He felt reassured that Marc also thought this was gay. At least they were on the same page. Marc always got him. He flipped to the next card.

Do you think this was all my fault? Am I supposed to learn a lesson to get out of here? What’s the fuckin lesson?! Whatever it is I’ll do it. I swear. Ask her for me, Bray, you gotta. They wont let me call her. All I have is these postcards and they all have your address on them. I’ve been writing late at night and shoving them into the mailbox before the sun comes up, bro I hope they don’t read these. I’m fuckin scared. I don’t remember my screen name Braden. Like, things are disappearing from my brain. Are you getting these? Please get help.

Braden’s arm started to feel all tingly like it was falling asleep. He shifted on the sofa. He was getting bored.

Braden Williams for the love of God I am begging you bro. I’m fuckin begging please call the police call Maddie call the fuckin FBI. This can’t be legal I never signed anything or maybe I did but I didn’t READ IT. I don’t know, who reads paperwork on vacation????? WTF That’s fucked up bro they can’t make you sign your life away. Its fucking boot camp, bro. We eat meat and work out until we die, we go on these long runs through the jungle and these robot chicks are weird man, I don’t even think they’re that hot anymore. You have to save me.

He shuffled through the post cards again looking for more descriptions of the robot tits, but he didn’t see any. He thought about texting Maddie. Maybe she’d want to get a beer while Marc was out of town. Maddie had a great ass.

Fucking Marc, bro. That guy was crazy as Hell.