The Laws of America

can you confirm that you are here?

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Caroline Hughes?

That’s me. It’s Carolyn, actually. Carolyn Hughes.

Uh-huh. Mrs. Hughes, can you confirm that you are here?

Um, yes? I’m right here.

Please take a seat and wait your turn.

Oh, but you just called —

Please take a seat and wait your turn. Jesusmaryandjoseph you people get more entitled every day.

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Mrs. Hughes? Caroline Hughes?

Yes. I’m Carolyn Hughes. Ms. Carolyn Hughes, actually. I’m not—

Mmm-hmm. Please approach the window.

Thanks. Hi, how are you? Busy day?

Mmm. Is your file complete, Mrs… Caroline …Hughes?

Oh, I — hmm. You stumped me already, haha. I don’t—I mean, you have the file.

Every American is responsible for the completeness of his or her own file, Mrs. Caroline. 

Oh, um, it’s Carolyn? My name is Carolyn with an L-Y-N. 

Mmm-hmm.

And yes, I believe my file—

Before you answer, I am required to inform you of your rights. 

Oh, ok.

Pursuant to the Laws of America, Section zero-zero point zero-zero, an incomplete, misleading or misappropriated file or any false, untrue, ideological or otherwise lying facts placed in your file are punishable by jail time or the equivalent Voluntary Service.

Oh-kay, got it. Thank you.

This is literally the first law of America. It’s law number zero. 

Right.

You are expected to know these things.

Right. Yes. I know them now, thanks to you. Check! 

So, I will ask again. Is your file complete pursuant to American Law Section 00.00?

I’m sorry, what are my rights?

Excuse me?

You said you were going to inform me of my rights?

I just did. Were you listening or not? You have the right to Voluntary Service or jail time if this file on my desk is a mistruth.

If it’s a—? 

Mistruth.

Right. And, just so I’m clear, voluntary service is—

Served in the mines. 

And jail is?

Served in the mines as well, but on our terms.

I am so sorry, can we start over? This is not how—

Start over? Are you attempting to conceal a mistruth?

I’m sorry? No, I mean, of course not. Um, I need to--maybe, uh, maybe take a little break and collect my thoughts here. I feel like I need to look at my file again?

I do not recommend you walk away from this window. 

You know, it’s fine really, I can just make another appointment. I feel a little overwhelmed is all. Blood sugar, you know.

Allow me to warn you against wasting your government’s time, Mrs. Hughes. Pursuant to the Laws of America, making a government official waste his time is a terrorism.

I’m sorry, it’s what? 

A felony. For you to waste my time. It is an act of terrorism and treason against your American government to go against efficiency in any way, punishable by Voluntary Service, jail, or deportation. It’s literally in the laws.

Deportation? No— you can’t—I’m an American citizen. 

You may be an American citizen until you commit an act of terrorism or treason. American citizenship is a privilege.

What? I’ve never heard— I’m not sure that’s true. I was born here…

I don’t have the section number right here in front of me but the law does say that citizenship is a temporary blessing bestowed by your government with the consent of the righteous official only. Do not question my knowledge of legal precedent. 

I shouldn’t have—I'm sorry, I need to sit down. Can I get some water or something?

Ah, yes here's the Executive Order, number 101182: American citizenship can be terminated without notice upon commission of a terrorism act or a treason against a government official in the estimation of that official’s objective opinion. I’m the official. And you, possibly a suspected terrorist, will not subjugate my authority.

I'm sure it doesn't say— I'm sorry, you're right. I'm probably confused.

Right. Sooo, you’re applying for permission to leave the country?

Yes. Temporarily. To visit my uncle in Switzerland.

Are you Swedish, Mrs. Caroline Hughes?

No. I’m American. I’m sorry— Swedish?

Why do you have an uncle in Switzerland if you aren’t Swedish?

Oh… my uncle, he’s not—he’s not Swedish or— or Swiss— or anything. He’s um, he moved to Switzerland when he was younger. He met someone there.

Hmm, the uncle human trafficked himself across American borders for illicit purposes.

What? No, he didn’t traffick himself. How—

And you want permission to visit him?

Temporarily, yes. He’s ill.

What does the uncle do for work in Sweden?

He— um. He doesn’t, um, my uncle is a painter. In Switzerland.

A painter. 

Yes.

There is no Art Consummation Registry Request Form in your file. 

I’m sorry? I don’t know what request —consummation?

Consuming unauthorized quote, art and paintings, unquote is a threat to the safety of America. You do have knowledge of the law?

Well, yes, um, I mean. Yes, I…have…knowledge. I’m not intending to consume art. My uncle is ill. I just want to visit him.

And yet the uncle, who is a foreign national and a painter of quote-unquote art, surely has ideological artworks and expressions in his domicile that you would thus be exposed to without obtaining proper authorization. 

I— No, I’m sorry, my uncle is an American citizen, he just lives overseas.

I assure you that is not possible, Mrs. Hughes.

Excuse me, but of course it is. And it’s Ms. Hughes. Ms. Carolyn Hughes. I’m not married.

No surprise there. You do not seem like a married woman to me.

You know what, that is really inappropriate. Can I please get your name and your rank or whatever?

No you may not. That would be a violation of my HIPAA rights.

What? How is giving me your name a violation of anything?

American governmental officials in their capacity are granted privacy and anonymous status and the authority to withhold all names from agitated persons such as yourself in the interest of national and personal health and security, if we fear for our safety. Pursuant to HIPAA. And you clearly mean to threaten me.

I’m not—nevermind. It’s fine. Let's just finish this.

Actually, it’s not fine. Your file is incomplete. I note evidence of several violations of law here. You are seeking exposure to radical ideology—

Radical what? No, no, nothing like that. He paints, like, trees and stuff. 

Trees?  

Yeah. Trees, rivers, you know.  

...radical... eco...ideology.  

No—  it's  not—  don't  write that down. Please.  

It is written. You wish to view unauthorized and un-American tree painting by a foreign uncle who may or may not be Swedish. And you have failed to fill out the proper forms, which is a violation of American government efficiency statutes. Further, I have evidence that you knowingly swore to an incomplete file maintained by the American government, which is itself a felony. 

I didn’t swear to anything. I haven't even seen the file! Do I need to get a lawyer to visit my own uncle?

So you admit you’ve racked up quite the criminal record today, Miss Hughes?

Criminal record? What? I’m sorry, I don’t understand what is happening. I didn’t admit anything. 

You said you need a lawyer. Only a criminal needs a lawyer.

I’m not a criminal. I’ll just— I’m sure this is a misunderstanding. Can you please give me my file, so I can check it? I will apply again with the proper forms. 

Ohhhhh. Oh, no, Miss. You are not free to leave.

I’m sorry?

You are no longer free to leave this office. I charge you with acts of terrorism and treason. Also, attempted lying and attempted fleeing the borders of America. Those are serious crimes.

What? What are you saying? I didn’t attempt to flee anything— I’m here asking you for permission!

Please control yourself.

I want a lawyer.

Right, of course you do. Oh, Officer Glenn! Thanks for coming so quickly. Yes, please take this prisoner to Processing.

...

Oh, wait, hang on a sec! Officer Glenn, I almost forgot—can you text me if there are still donuts in the break room?

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